Take Responsibility for Your Anger
Dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
James 1:19-21, New International Version (NIV)
Recently, Esther and I were honored by being asked to give a three-day seminar on marriage in two locations in Nepal. The first location was for a single congregation, but the second location was to teach pastors and church leaders and spouses coming from a large number of different congregations. After completing the teaching, we instructed those attending to anonymously write on a card any questions they might have or any problems they are encountering in their marriages and we would do our best to answer their questions. There were approximately 150 or possibly more leaders and pastors present and the most common question by far was, “How can we eliminate anger in our marriage?”
Although we were not surprised that some were seeking relief from the anger within their homes and marriages, we expected that many other questions would be asked in greater numbers. But anger was by far the most common, even among church leaders. Anger, in our marriage course, is called a “Love Buster,” referred as such in one of our textbooks by Dr. Willard Harley. Dr. Harley identifies anger as a form of spouse abuse, as it is meant to hurt the person you are angry with, and to inflict pain, and it always succeeds in that. In other words, it is a most serious sin, so serious that Jesus himself called it murder! It certainly can kill any hope of having a good marriage.
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago,‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, Raca*, is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
Matthew 5:21-22, New International Version (NIV)
* Note: Raca means “to hold in hatred or in contempt”
This terrible act is often excused by our students who defend their actions because of their heritage, or its presence in their home life prior to their marriage. That is certainly not an excuse, but it is an important reason to be rid of this serious issue before it passes on to another generation or destroys their marriage. Without a complete elimination of this sin from our lives, we will never become true disciples of our Lord, or have the marriage that God intends us to have.
I noticed something as I read and researched the Scriptures related to anger and it was that the Scriptures don’t directly give you an excuse or even a methodology to rid us of this sin. It simply says to “stop now, and never do it again.” No call to even ask God to help, or any expectation it might take a long time, just stop now or else! It says to “rid yourself” of this horrendous act against your mate. This does not mean the Holy Spirit won’t help you to stop. It does mean don’t blame Him if you don’t! Don’t ever blame your anger on your spouse!
In His love,
Ted
This article is taken from The Fulfilled Marriage: The Three Doors by Ted Dean
