Your Horse Doesn’t Belong In Your Carriage
Love and marriage, love and marriage, Go together like a horse and carriage. This I tell ya, brother, you can’t have one without the other. Frank Sinatra, 1953
Automobiles are designed with their power sources, engines, or electric motors, located in three possible locations: front, middle, or rear. Marriage, however, is designed to operate more like a horse with a carriage. Horses don’t push, nor do they ride with you in the middle of the buggy. They obviously pull you along in the carriage as you (hopefully) enjoy the ride.
Like many of you, Esther and I have been feeling as if we’re being incarcerated in our home for a long time. During this period I have had the time for deep and important thinking. This has been a rare opportunity in a world that demands we fill up every moment with activities that do very little to improve or even maintain our emotional and spiritual health.
Over the past few days, I have questioned why I am continuing to be so involved in the marriage ministry. I am well beyond retirement age, whatever that might be. Some of you that have read The Fulfilled Marriage undoubtedly have seen how it all started in our marriage. But that doesn’t answer the question that has caused me to pause and ask the question, “Why Esther and me?” What is it that we bring, that is unique, necessary, or complementary to what is available through other ministries, courses, and books?
I know that we have had uncommon and difficult experiences that God has brought us through and helped us to build a strong Christ-centered marriage, but although that may be interesting to some readers, and might even encourage others somewhat, it doesn’t necessarily give you answers that you need for your marriage.
There are thousands of marriage books, many courses, videos, and hundreds of ministries and counseling groups to help with your marriage. Many, if not most, are Christian based. My observation has been that most books and courses can be placed in two major categories, with the first and more common primarily helping in identifying from an anthropocentric (human-centric), perspective of what is wrong with a marriage and what actions are necessary to “fix the problem.”
The second, and least common, tends to be more of an exegesis, a critical explanation of what the Bible has to say about marriage. This type of ministry or book tends to put greater emphasis on presenting marriage from a Theocentric (God Central) perspective. Both these approaches are of value, and Esther and I have benefited from them, but they are missing a very important ingredient.
So what other approach is there that might be of benefit? The answer to that question is not simply to divide books and courses into two parts, both Theocentric and anthropocentric and Voila! Problem solved! Unfortunately, that would be like making stew and cooking all of the ingredients in separate pots. All ingredients need to be mixed and cooked in the same pot. Cooking them separately by putting each ingredient in a separate pot would not be stew. You might get by with that, but unfortunately, you would lose the mouthwatering taste.
I believe that most of us want to please God within the context of our marriage. And I believe that most, if not all of us, would like to implement every good idea that will improve our marriage. But the reality is that we can do neither well without God’s empowerment.
Remember, the horse goes before the carriage. The motivating power for change is and always will be God Himself. We must first realize that we cannot have a life-fulfilling marriage unless we acknowledge this is God’s desire for us. Then we need to believe He will empower us to have love within our marriage that far exceeds any form or intensity of love that exists without Him.
Our marriages, like the stew needing to be thoroughly mixed with water to bring out the flavor, need for us to bring God into every aspect of our relationship, intermixed so thoroughly that love can flow freely and fully when we are involved in mundane chores, sensual lovemaking, or in “couples prayer” – every facet of our lives and marriage. That is what God wants for our marriages. It is a most tasty stew, and that is our message.
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
2 Peter 1:3, New International Version (NIV)
…one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:6, NIV
In God’s love for you, Ted and Esther
