Do You Have a Clue?
I will never forget the evening when a dear friend stood in front of our marriage class. With tears in his eyes, he said, “I didn’t have a clue!”
Twenty-seven hundred years ago, the prophet Ezekiel said the same about God’s people.
“Son of man, you are living among a rebellious people. They have eyes to see but do not see and ears to hear but do not hear, for they are a rebellious people.”
Ezekiel 12:2, New International Version (NIV)
Jesus quoted this Scripture as a warning for us all, not only as a spiritual issue but as a logical principle that we shouldn’t walk through life without the wisdom of understanding reality.
Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?
Mark 8:18 New International Version (NIV)
Most of us have eyes to see and ears to hear, but I venture to say that there are a lot of us who don’t use them the way we should in our marriage relationship. The proof lies in the fact that a high percentage of persons that have been divorced still don’t understand why their marriages failed. Why they failed is important, but preventing marriages from failing is immensely more important.
I believe that the vast majority of couples are not near the point of divorce, but let’s make it our goal to keep it that way.
If I can expound on my friend’s experience, what he was really saying was: After twenty years, “we finally sat down and openly discussed our feelings and issues and I discovered I wasn’t the husband that I thought I was and should have been.”
In both the A Marriage Made In Heaven course and The Fulfilled Marriage: The Three Doors book and course, we strongly suggest a weekly “sit down and let’s talk” discussion so that you can not only find out what is troubling your spouse, but also what you need to change or do to improve your relationship. Please believe me when I say, if you do that, you will then uncover a lot of clues on how to improve your marriage.
There are two persons who need to know you in your entirety: God, who already does and your spouse, who should!
I don’t have time or space to discuss this issue but I want to share the following from the chapter on communication from our new book, The Fulfilled Marriage: The Three Doors, so that your “opening up” doesn’t turn into a yelling competition.
Common Sense for Couples Discussions
- Respond, don’t react! Unfortunately, over our lifetime, we tend to allow “hot buttons” or triggers to be installed within us. Most of those buttons come from negative life experiences or hurtful events. Many times, they have been planted by an individual who is not our spouse, but these “hot buttons” still evoke hurt and anger when activated. For those who have been previously divorced, it is important that you do not let your past experiences and any created buttons from a previous marriage affect your reaction with your spouse when conversing with him or her.
- Pray internally and listen for the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. This is the first step you should take in communication with your wife or husband. Allow the Holy Spirit to rule in the situation by internally asking for Him to not only give you wisdom and understanding of your spouse but to rule both your emotions and your intellect.
- Taste your words before you speak them. In order to ensure you are formulating your response properly and to ensure the words are from the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, briefly put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and consider the effect those words will have on them. Will they be healing? Will they be constructive? Will they be hurtful?
- Say it with love. If what you say is designed to hurt or strike back at your spouse, it is spouse abuse. Anger which is the root of this action is an insidious sin. The Word of God makes it so clear that anything said or done outside of love is sin. Anger will seriously set back any progress you are making to improve your marriage. Years ago, a television comedian’s “humorous” expression, “The Devil made me do it!” became a common saying throughout our culture for an excuse when someone did or said something they shouldn’t have. When you get angry, the devil didn’t cause you to lose your temper – and neither did your spouse.
God bless you,
Ted
